Going to the Wash Room? Be Warned!

I don’t know who said it, but I kind of agreed: India is a vast latrine. Everywhere you see across the nation, there are people relieving themselves in open spaces, on railway tracks, at the boundary walls of ill-lit bungalows, near drains on the roadside or just about anywhere they feel they must go.

Of late, however, there has been a shift in the way Indians, especially urban, well-to-do Indians, obey the call of nature when not at home. Thanks to a growing number of restaurants, malls, multiplexes and other concrete contraptions where you can now find toilets, people finally have alternatives to open spaces. In fact, sometimes, it seems too good to be true. Toilets in public places? For Indians?? Wow!!!

But when I look at how the toilets are constructed, and how they are maintained and serviced, the wow factor goes down the flush. Let me give you some examples.

There’s this restaurant I went to one of those weekends when you go to a restaurant to eat out. After a while, I felt the urge to pee and went in search of the rest room. Now, this was a fairly upmarket restaurant with upper-class clientele. But look at their toilet! Soon as I pushed open the door, the commode blocked it from opening fully. One way to get inside the toilet was to clamber onto the pot – there was no space around the pot – and shut the half-open door right back. But there were two dangers in doing so: one, I could be seen in this funny position; two, I could break a bone if I slipped. Neither option appealed to me. So what I did instead was slightly open the door just so to squeeze behind it beside the wall, and then close the door from this spy-like position. I did what I had to do and hurriedly maneuvered my way back out.

Why is it so hard to find a decent sized and utilitarian rest room when you are away from home in India?

Consider another wash room, this one at a spanking new mall. They had done up the toilet nicely, with starry floors and expensive-looking bath fittings – only, they didn’t know how to fit them. Take the faucet of the wash basin, for instance. The curvature of the faucet was so elongated that it jabbed into my face as I lowered it down for washing. “Why can’t they keep things simple if they don’t know how to do it?” I remember cursing under my breath while rubbing my bruised nose.

Another time, as I used the loo at a multiplex, I found that there was no waste bin kept for the toilet paper. Had the builders resigned themselves to the fact that most Indians don’t use the bins anyway and flush the toilet paper down the drain (often clogging it)? And the spray tap they did provide was indeed weird. Because when I pressed the tap, water came out with such formidable force that I nearly drenched myself in the squirt. By the time I trained myself to use the tap with considerable self-control, I was already looking like I had performed the miracle of getting wet in the rain inside an enclosed loo.

The rest rooms are supposed to be places where people can relieve themselves comfortably. What we normally get, alas, are ill-conceived pissing holes.

But part of the blame for the sorry state of affairs should go to the toilet users as well. We Indians don’t really know how to behave ourselves in public places, even if those places are as private as toilets. So maybe the builders and restaurant owners try to beat us at our own habits. I remember seeing this notice next to a soap dispenser in a restaurant toilet: 'Push once gently for enough soap.'

“What a cleverly contrived message,” I thought. In one go, it communicated to people about two of their nasty habits: of pounding too much on the push button and of making a mountain of soap on their palms. I have seen many soap-starved chappies collect more than their fair share of soap. Enough soap, in fact, to make do for a whole bath. Not that I ever saw anyone take a bath at the wash basin, but you never know what can happen in the world’s largest democracy! Anyway, I have witnessed far too many people supply themselves with ample soap – and then wash it off their face vigorously by spreading their personal wetness around. One of my most pressing thoughts at such moments: Get out fast.

One novelty that seems to have emerged as a result of toilet users’ nasty habits is the push-type water tap that spits out water for a split-second - often making you wonder if it was indeed water or a bolt of lightning that kissed your hands. You have to push the darned thing several times if you are really serious about achieving any washing. On second thoughts, it gives you an opportunity to exercise your muscles. But should you be doing so in the wash room? I doubt it. Useful tip: if you do not want to die of irritation at pushing the tap two hundred and forty three times, keep one hand constantly pressed on the tap and do your business with the other one.

Nothing beats the stupid infrared, however, when it comes to inducing irritability in the rest room. I’m sure most of you would’ve noticed infrared-activated flush systems installed in several places. The moment you walk close to the urinal (this one is for men specifically, and I don’t know how or if it works for women), the sensor gets activated in a hurry. Before you know it, water from the flush pipe, which is often funnily positioned and perforated, sprinkles onto your clothes in addition to spurting down the ceramic wall of the urinal. It looks as if the system is peeing at you before you get to pee into the system. This problem is so severe that very few automated flush systems ‘get it right’ – causing me to develop extreme anxiety each time I approach one.


It’s going to take a little while before I either become tolerant of toilets or there’s some sort of revolutionary change in the way toilet makers make toilets and the way people use them. Until then, going to the loo is certainly going to be a pee-vish thing. Hey, can you stop splashing it around, please!

Some Old Thoughts on The New Year...

For many, each New Year is a time for resolutions. I have often made such resolutions - and usually broken them (just like most others)...

This year, I'm doing something different. I'm just going to reflect on some of the thoughts and 'bulbs' that flashed somewhere in my grandest personal 'home theater', one that needs no electricity but displays the highest-definition results (you guessed it right, I'm talking about the mind). Some of you would've already seen these as Facebook posts, but hey, in a world of retweets, ain't I entitled to some rethweets :)

Without much voodoo, here you go:

* Your own heart and mind is the best place to escape the wretchedness of the world.

* Love and hate have remained constant since the time of Adam & Eve - 50:50.

* If we truly try to be sincere to ourselves, there'll be no need to feign sincerity toward others.

* There's so much heartburn in the world, it's causing global warming.

* Wanderlust often leads to wander*lost* but that doesn't mean we should stop exploring - only that we should be aware of where we are going.

* The world is full of a**holes - but that's no reason why you should be one...

* As long as children have the ability to love unconditionally - no matter how much the grown-ups tamper with that - there's hope for all of us.

* The future shocks us, because we spend too much time reconciling our present to our past.

* An evolved person is not necessarily one with a refined palate, but essentially one with an exalted mind.

* Regrets are nothing but detritus of past actions that keep floating in our mind until we forgive ourselves.

* A heavy heart is worse than a heavy mind.

* A lot of politicians call themselves public servants. They are right - with a stinging twist: Public Serpents.

* The distance between despair and hope can be a leap of faith or a chasm of doubt.

* The mind is the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And the rainbow itself is the bridge - invisible but perceptible - from the heart to the mind.

* The way a child touches you - physically, emotionally and spiritually - nothing else possibly can. . . Is there anyone who still thinks angels don't exist?

* Music is the vacuum cleaner that smoothes out the cobwebs of tangled thoughts from the remotest corners of our mind.

* What we do not do often reveals more about us than what we end up doing.

* Do not give me wisdom at the cost of kindness.

* In many places in India paperless office is dead; paper mess office, however, is still alive - and kicking you where it hurts most!

* Don't mortgage your present to your past - the future has no interest in it.

* The burden of the lies we speak is nothing compared to the burden of the ones we live...

* The day I stop doing any of these three L's - Learning, Laughing and Loving - will be the day I stop Living. . .

* There are only two things that really matter in life - unfortunately, nobody knows what they are!

* How to get more time, you ask?? Stop killing it!

* No matter where we are, most of us tend to think we should be somewhere else!

* Diwali is not so much about setting fire to crackers as it is about lighting up your inner selves with the spirit of celebration - of joy over sadness, of good over evil, of friendship over enmity, of love over hatred...

* Dieting tip: don't lose steam; lose cream!

* It takes a little time to realize that mathematics is the science closest to God. Thankfully, you don't have to be an Einstein to say this.

* No matter how much we know, there'll always be more to know than we do.

* Theory of relativity: what's "austere" for a few is simplicity for some, necessity for many and, unfortunately, luxury for many many more...

* What Obama probably said (or should've said) to General Motors: "I know what you did last Hummer!"

* The world is a stage and we are all puppets - but some of us do try to pull our own strings...


Let's continue to hope that the drama played out in the global theater becomes more interesting than ever in what can be construed as the year of Vision Perfect: 20-10

Happy New Year...

Remembering Mahatma Gandhi

On Mahatma Gandhi's birth anniversary today, I'm reminded of a powerful message that used to play on TV a few years back. For effect, it was preceded by a quick sketch-squiggle that people could easily identify as the man most credited with handing India its independence from British rule. The message read: "The greatness of this man was his simplicity. Let's discover Gandhi in ourselves."

I had read Gandhi's autobiography, The Story of My Experiments with Truth, in my teen years and was greatly influenced by its honesty and power (not the power that corrupts but one that uplifts and strengthens).

Then more recently a few years back, I watched Lage Raho Munnabhai and, despite all the criticism of trivialization and other shortcomings of the movie, really appreciated the passion and skill of those who made the film (it was produced by Vidhu Vinod Chopra and directed by Rajkumar Hirani). It really got Gandhi's messages of non-violence and truth across to today's youth, most of whom are now engaged in the blind pursuit of money, sex and power.

Today morning I read a small report in Hindustan Times that talks about a village in Orissa called Panimora. It says that once the village was a birthplace of freedom fighters and has been a follower of Gandhi's tenets. But its model of autonomous development is now giving way to squabbling over funds and petty politics (aggravated by the death of most Gandhians).

All the same, politicians are busy as usual in highjacking the Mahatma's name for political mileage through lavish ads.

Unfortunately, we either dismiss Gandhi's ideas and ideals as anachronistic or put them just on a pedestal, with no intention of using them or really discovering what they mean.

I just feel like telling all those who even remotely want to identify with Gandhi or truly remember him on his jayanti (birthday): Don't bother too much about wearing Gandhian caps - just make do with the heads thinking Gandhian thoughts. Hopefully, springing forth from those thoughts, actions that benefit the masses and not just the classes will follow...

Happy Gandhi Jayanti.

Twittering out the Social Media Thingy

Okay, I won't begin with how Twitter-beat-Facebook-beat-Internet-beat-TV...quicker and quicker in terms of popularity or user base -- we are now beyond that stage.

I'll begin instead with how everyone is perplexed about this "social media thing". As I write this, new social media agencies are being set up, articles are being written about this *phenomenon* (including this one, if you can call this post an article), and the marketing pros are figuring out whether to suck at the Vampire widget or indulge in a Mob War to reach their target group.

The point is, the buzz around social media (btw, did we have anti- or un-social media before that?) is growing.

At the same time, some are even beginning to wonder if we could indeed be outgrowing Facebook. Lane Wallace of The Atlantic magazine says, for instance, that we might be at a stage where our initial, teenager-like fancy to FB may give way to fatigue or boredom. Still she admits that sites like FB and Twitter are growing and becoming increasingly popular with 30-plus folks and not just teeny-boppers.

Something doesn't gel, isn't it?

I think if we look close enough -- at human behavior, not websites or widgets -- we'll discover that the process of social evolution takes a long time (Darwin already told us that anatomical evolution takes even longer). In contrast, the breakneck technological evolution of the past decade or so has thrown up numerous tools and twitgets (note that!) for humans to play around.

So it's a playground out there, all right. But unlike earlier, when people played in more segregated age groups, in the virtual world we now have a whole smorgasbord of pre-teens, teens and umpteens 'behaving' in unprecedented ways. Combine this with the fact that this interplay goes on in several handshakes of connected gadgets, irrespective of where the players move across the globe. (We even have extreme cases in which people are being de-addicted for being too connected!)

Personally, I feel that the new tools of staying connected and sharing have brought out the kids in adults and allowed younger people to acquire wisdom or knowledge at an accelerated pace. If anything, the contours of our age-tied and time-bound behaviors are being pummeled into newer and more possibilities -- of what communication and sharing in this or the next digital world (Web x.0) will be really like.

So it's only natural that there's so much complexity and perplexity. I guess it'll be a progressive case of profusion - confusion - infusion (until more things come up and the cycle repeats).

Keep your fingers clicking...

Writers of Passage

Can you learn your way to writing a book?

This question wouldn’t perhaps arise in the more mature markets of the West. But for a developing country like India, most aspiring writers are unaware of, or unexposed to, the lessons and master-classes that can catapult them into the league of a J(h)umpa Lahiri or a Chetan Bhagat. In the US, for instance, there are oodles of creative writing courses and workshops and retreats and many more, where budding authors can see their writer’s block unfold into textual bloom. But in India, there are few such options and devices, though things are beginning to change I must say.

So when I happened to be present during a fiction-writing interaction at Delhi’s Oxford Book Store, I lent my ear to lecturing by guest author Jaishree Misra even as my eyes continued to browse the bookshelves. Despite this double act of dual-tasking, I was able to gather some pertinent points shared by Jaishree. What follows is a recollection (and remixing with my own two bits) of some of those tips and traps…

The best thing I liked about Jaishree’s advice was that she urged the audience – most of them young women, a couple of lads and even a few old curmudgeons – to stick to their day jobs (or night ones if they work in a call center). Why, she herself continues to hold her job as a classifier of films in Britain (admission of envy: I want a job like hers) and still come up with a book or two. I couldn’t agree more: writing becomes a full-time *profession* only when you’ve already published a bestseller (unless you’ve inherited ample dough and can indulge in timelessly baking your writerly ambitions).

Another tip the author of Secrets & Lies shared was that aspiring writers must try and live the life of the characters they are going to create in their books. This would enable them to breathe realism into the characters which, needless to say, can have an impact on the readers as well as the number of books sold.

Jaishree also advised the audience to carefully pick a genre that best suits an individual, read up as many books in that genre as possible and reach an understanding of the nuances of writing for that genre.

She also shared some helpful tricks of the trade when it comes to dealing with publishers and agents (their role in the publishing process, how to deal with them, et al) –– in the smiling presence of HarperCollins India’s publisher and chief editor, VK Karthika.

Don't you think we need more of such learning-the-art-of-writing events, especially extensive ones at that?