Why Reading Your Horoscope Doesn't Help

Okay, first the facts: millions of people around the world spend a fortune on knowing about their future. And what they spend is not just money but invaluable time when they read predictions of all kinds in a variety of media.

But do they get their money and time's worth when they rely on a motley bunch of people who know zilch about them? Palmists, numerologists, tarot readers, and others who use all sorts of animals from parrots to Pomeranians. Can there be some truth in what they churn out?

If you really ask me, horoscopes suck. Especially the daily horoscopes appearing in newspapers, magazines and websites. And they suck big time. Here's why.

If you look carefully, most predictions are vague and based on common sense. They could have come from anyone with half a brain. Sample this prophecy I picked from a popular website: “Your curiosity is running on high, and you just won’t stand for anything less than the entire truth, no matter what question you ask. Your antennae will tell you whether it’s an honest answer.”

Well, my antennae tell me that not many people would admit that they'll “stand for less than the entire truth.” Needless to say, such a cloudy bit of mumbo jumbo would put me off rather than bolster my confidence – and boosting their self-assurance is what many horoscope readers look for.

Here’s another specimen from the Sunday edition of a paper: “You suffer a great deal because of others’ wrongdoing. Maybe it’s time you stopped others from taking you for granted. Just be more assertive and you’ll find all the happiness you deserve.”

Wow! Reading these lines, our bleary-eyed reader is sure to scream with self-pitying joy: “I told you so. See, it’s all their fault!” The advice may not turn our feeble fella into a bold brat, but it can perhaps make them feel a bit over the top.

Again, I'm not sure of the usefulness of the proffered suggestion. Tell me honestly, who benefits from being over-emotional in this day and age?

Wait, there’s more stuff coming up. This one was buried inside an old stack of newspapers. And it caught my eye when I was looking for something else. (Isn’t that how you find anything these days?)

It goes like this: “Your stars are shining bright and mighty. Just the perfect time to make that critical move you have been waiting for all your life. Lucky numbers 1, 3 and 7; favorable colors Blue and Orange.”

Oh, really? You mean, if I wear a blue shirt to office today, I can tell my boss to take a walk? Or if I pick a lottery ticket with these three digits in it, I’ll become an instant millionaire? Aw, c'mon dude, stop kidding me. If it were that simple, we would all be enjoying pina coladas on a sunny beach doing nothing but reading horoscopes.

Now, tell me, do you still want to know what the stars say about you?

Hollow Scope

Why does the world go bonkers over vacuous fortune telling?

I used to think that writing horoscopes is serious business, what with millions around the world spending so much time and money on a varied bunch of fortune tellers – palmists, numerologists, tarot readers, and other folks who use all sorts of animals from parrots to Pomeranians. But sometime back, when I read through what some of the so-called celebrity star-gazers had written in their popular columns, I realized how mistaken I was. To my horror-scope, I found that too much ink had been spilt praising the non-existent virtues of people and telling them how great they are and how the times are set to change for the better and how, just by wearing a certain color or betting on a particular lucky number, they can beat the holy sh*t out of any possible stumbling block to a great fortune that awaits them round the corner. Blah, blah, blah…

Now, if I were a self-preening narcissistic type I might’ve approved of all their goody-goody, schmaltzy stuff. So instead, I felt rather compelled to take you, dear reader, through some of the really over-the-top gems of prognostication that I found. I bet you might end up, like me, rolling on the floor with laughter or pulling your hair out trying to make sense of the whole shebang.

Sample this prophecy from a reputed site: “Your curiosity is running on high, and you just won’t stand for anything less than the entire truth, no matter what question you happen to ask. Your antennae will tell you whether it’s an honest answer.”

Well, my antennae tell me that the person who wrote this is really smart enough to know that the best thing to keep people from pointing fingers at your predictions is to write something entirely vague or utterly common sense. Now, tell me, how many people will admit that they’ll “stand for less than the entire truth”? And, won’t our keen observation (antennae) tell us if we are getting an honest answer or not?

Here’s another one from the Sunday edition of a paper: “You suffer a great deal because of others’ wrongdoing. Maybe it’s time you stopped others from taking you for granted. Just be more assertive and you’ll find all the happiness you deserve.”

Wow! Reading these lines, our bleary-eyed reader is sure to scream with self-pitying joy: “I told you so! See, it’s all their fault!” Merely reading this may not turn our meek fella into a bold brat, but it sure will make the person feel quite worthy of all the happiness in the world he or she ain’t going to get anyway.

Wait, there’s more stuff coming up. This one was buried inside an old stack of newspapers but fortunately caught my eye when I was looking for something else (isn’t that how you find anything in the first place these days?).

Here it goes: “Your stars are shining bright and mighty. Just the perfect time to make that critical move you have been waiting for all your life. Lucky numbers 1, 3 and 7; favorable colors Blue and Orange.”

Oh, really? You mean, if I wear a blue shirt to office today, I can tell my boss to take a walk? Or if I pick a lottery ticket with these three digits in it, I’ll become an instant millionaire? Aw, com’on, you must be kidding me.

Never mind what I feel, there are millions out there who lap up the fortune tellers’ words with inexplicable zeal and sincerity.

All right, there be might be some – maybe one in a thousand – fortune tellers whose predictions aren’t as ridiculous or vague or inaccurate. But at least I haven’t found them--yet.

Why such mumbo jumbo continues to get so much attention often baffles me – and I can only hazard a guess. Maybe it’s simply because people like hearing nice things about themselves. Or maybe they are already so weary and burdened with their unspectacular lives that they’ll latch onto anything that keeps their hopes of a radical positive change alive.

How many people would still read their horoscopes if the lines they read did not go down well with them or did not portray them as superb human beings? For instance, would they continue their patronage of the forecast column if it says: “You have a really crappy day ahead today?” Or if it proclaims: “Whatever you do, you are going to get laid off from this thankless job of yours – so just stick on to it while you can, you schmuck.”?

Fat chance they would!

So the fortune farce keeps going.

And the world keeps getting sucked into the slush that a daily dose of divination delivers.