Horn NOT OK Please!

There is so much nonsense on social media these days that I almost felt like an idiot keying in these thoughts.

But then I recalled this line I once saw on a T-shirt — and it made me smile and go ahead with this post. It read: “I may be an idiot but I’m not stupid.”

As you can possibly appreciate, it takes a little knowledge of English, some intelligence and a sense of humor to “get” the true import of those funny, satirical words.

While social media is full of English, especially of bombastic, jingoistic and highfalutin type, the other two departments seem to be lacking in the upper storeys of most.

Take the current fulminations about politics and politicians.

I can see a lot of angry young-and-old men-and-women write black-and-white, this-that, either-or posts.

“Oh, so you are a Congress libtard, that’s why you say so!”

“But Modi bhakts would not understand.”

“Kejriwal is the only honest politician left, but nobody allows him to work.” 

I squirm uncomfortably, sometimes clenching my teeth and often scratching or shaking my head, even as the lies, damn lies and statistics lie all around me that no Swachh Bharat or broom can sweep clean.

The worst part of this cacophony going on in social is that the gazillions of Indians who WILL VOTE (and decide the fate of candidates equal to or worse than them) can neither read what has been written nor care. (Sad, for they wouldn’t read this either, but hey, this one is for YOU.) They will go by the advice or diktats of their local leaders, bahubalis (disgusting use of a word to mean goondas), mullas, monks, pandits, padris —or whoever holds influence in their respective biradaris!

Meanwhile, in the television studios of the country, pictures of three, four, five, six, seven and sometimes even eight or more “talking heads” will keep popping up on your screen. It will be a continuous, abominable scream. Cheekha-chilli, with every political party rep brazening it out like a Sheikh Chilli.

And the crux of their argument? “We are not as bad as the folks from other parties are. Remember what they did when…” (Even if many of them have changed parties several times.)

I want to tell these guys: All of you are the worst. Unfortunately, you are all we got.

The best minds of the country have either been brain-drained to better economies or prefer to do good without jumping into politics or just watch this circus quietly from the sidelines.

Whoever comes to power is likely to grab it with both hands and restart the loot engine chugging and thugging along in this godforsaken country for decades and decades on end. (Also read: "India and the Morality of Corruption")

Looking at the politicians’ past record, I can guarantee you that long after the current elections are over:

- Cows will continue to roam the streets, eat plastic and roko rasta (rather than go to Rome and eat pasta — just for rhyme’s sake, for reason has long been butchered).

- There will be more hoardings about cleanliness everywhere but the shit and piss and dust and stink will continue to smother India right under our pinched noses (look at most public urinals in Delhi and Mumbai, for instance).

- The bewildered, brash, helpless, uneducated, TikTok-watching youth of this country will have no idea where to look for jobs — or how to do them properly if they happen to get them. (Skill India? Shut the F*ck up, go look at how many masters and doctors still apply for and agitate for peon-type jobs, not to mention the “unemployability” of our engineers.)

- States and the “strange caste of people” inhabiting them will continue to fight for backwardness and reservations.

- Farmers will continue to hang themselves under debt and distress — and politicos will continue to shed crocodile tears, insulting the reptiles in the process.

- Education will continue to be mistaken for school buildings and health, for insurance policies.

- Black money will continue non-demolished (and non-demonetized) like illegal structures and the so-called legal high-rises.

- Women will continue to be worshipped — and mocked and raped.

- Cases will continue to pile up in courts and criminals will continue to get the benefit of doubts (and power touts).


So, don’t be stupid. Remember this popular line of Hindi TV anchors: “Iss hamaam mein sabhi nangey hain.” (Everyone is naked in this bath-house.)

It’s another matter that viewers have also noticed that it is these same anchors who put more soap into the slippery hands of those shameless bathers, causing more froth and bubble to emerge.

Will this bubble ever burst?

I think I’m being rationally non-exuberant.

NOTA-chance.

“Khatam” (The End)

An Open Letter to Indian PM Narendra Modi

Dear Narendra,

I’m addressing you with your first name even though you are the Prime Minister of India. This I’m doing after taking a cue from you during Barack’s recent visit to India (Barack, as you very well know, is the President of the United States of America, also known by the quaint acronym POTUS, especially, I’m told, by the legions of security personnel who protect him from known unknowns, unknown knowns or whatever…you get it, right?).

I hope you now have some breathing space from your jet-setting schedule and from entertaining world-renowned guests to tea at expansive lawns, amid the sharing of stories of courage and hardship from your childhood and youth. You, like your bespoke tailoring suit, rock, man! I know this because you yourself have told everyone loud and clear at multiple forums.

And even though you have tried to share your Mann ki Baat (matter from the heart) on state-sponsored radio, something tells me you are hiding a lot deep down your 56-inch chest.

In all possibility, this hiding may be causing you undue pain, pain that is hidden from this cruel world that only knows to laugh at, ridicule and criticize politicians rather than show any empathy.

The other day, I overheard a bunch of wealthy businessmen chuckling at your discomfort. One of them remarked, “Bechara Modi! (Poor Modi) He must be sick and tired of one or the other of the Sangh Parivar making some religiously loaded or divisive comment every now and then. If this goes on, his economic agenda will be derailed sooner than Kejriwal can change his mind!”

As of writing this post, Kejriwal hasn’t but Rahul Gandhi, the scion of India’s long-ruling Nehru-Gandhi political dynasty, is probably thinking of changing his mind about something critical in his life—perhaps because he couldn’t change the sinking fortunes of the Congress party in the last general election.

But then I digress, so let’s come back to you…

You apparently set in motion a Modi wave that swept through the poor country that India is. The millions of jobless youth, tens of thousands of entrepreneurs whose businesses were suffering because of UPA-II’s scams and indecisions (and the handful of mega-industrialists who had billions riding on that wave), among countless other voters, brought you and your party to power.

It’s possible that the pain in your chest is a manifestation of all the unfulfilled election promises. And it doesn’t help that your poll prospects from the rest of India (after Delhi) wherever elections are due are seen to be declining.

I know you have tried hard to package old Congress wine of policy schemes and structures into swankier new bottles but, unfortunately, many people want results, not hangovers.

Every now and then, there are comments from one business tycoon or the other, including some international credit rating agency, that the prospects of growth have begun to look good for India. But there are contrary opinions as well.

At least one industry shouldn’t be complaining: media. I have seen your ads on innumerable pages of newspapers, on hoardings all over the city, on so many websites where you would least suspect them to appear, and wherever there has been space to accommodate your well-bearded, avuncular face. And I have not yet reached the state of naiveté where I can believe that the media moguls have given you space for free because they are all Modi bhakts (devotees) or consider splattering those ads an act of patriotism.

Let us get this straight: I’m all for ads because they affect me too, for I’m also part of the media industry. But I think spending on building toilets and recycling waste will be more effective than saying, “Clean India, Clean India!” or “Swachh Bharat, Swachh Bharat!” a hundred thousand times.

Allow me to take just one example: I sometimes use the public loos in Delhi where a lot of swanky urinals were installed in ex-CM Sheila Dixit’s tenure (around Commonwealth Games I think). But hell, there is no water or flushing system and people just keep pissing into the ceramic receptacles ad nauseam.

Would it be possible to divert some of the tidal water from the Modi wave to flush out the filth in the capital’s urinals? (Other cities and towns would be worse off, I presume, and also in need of urgent watery intervention).

Another instance where I can speak from personal experience is the poor state of data connectivity. While your government has quickly launched some websites and your social media machinery is quite active, those gestures do not a Digital India make. I know, I know, other initiatives are in the works—but my fear is that as far as broadband connectivity in India is concerned, it has been always in the works for the past 10-15 years (many other “comparable” nations, meanwhile, have zoomed past India in “digital index”).

Narendra bhai, everyone knows your full name and that you are the PM of India by now. Ab naam ki nahi, kuchh kaam ki baat chalu karo! (Now start talking of the work rather than the name.)

I know you sleep fewer hours than many of your other, able-bodied political brethren. But please remember that hundreds of millions of Indians still sleep on an empty stomach. And those who do get their fill, still have no choice but to empty it in the open.

As of now, shit is one of the biggest things we make in India. The pun, though unfortunate, is intended.

You must fix a lot of things before India can proudly unleash its “lion” out in the world for its roar to be heard.

Maybe you can start by doing more and saying less.

5 Quick Tips to Gatecrash the Olympics

At a time when India and Indians should worry more about getting the medals (mostly Bronze, coz Gold will be snatched away by their wives and turned into jewelry), one Ms. Madhura is hogging the limelight for all the wrong reasons.

Or is it the right ones? I get confused so often these days.

Her brazen acts have inspired this shabby article - which, somehow, I hope is a tad less shabby than our prep for London2012.

So, here it goes, darlings. Don't procrastinate your entry into the world's biggest sporting event - for which millions are fighting for *empty* seats! (Check out the ticket trouble stories on the Web to know why seats went empty.)

Tip #1: Don't participate in a sport. No, never. Else, you'll be an invited guest and will miss the fame (or notoriety, take your pick) that comes with gatecrashing. Apparently, that's what keeps a lot of Delhiites in particular, Sheila Dikshit in very particular, and Indians in general from "coming out and playing."

Tip #2: Wear a red top. I'm sorry. I have a short memory. I can't remember Madhura's face but I certainly do remember that she wore a red, very very red, top.

Tip #3: Contact Danny Boyle. For his dance troupes can do a lot of extra calisthenics - apart from doing their bit in opening ceremonies. Now, don't ask me if contacting the Slumdog director is more difficult than slumming it out to break into Olympic venues. That's for you to figure out.

Tip #4: Pre-inform the Indian media about your impending adventure - and promise to give the story to whoever has the widest reach or promises back the best, consistent and repeated coverage. You see, most media guys are getting bored of repeated scams tumbling out of the incumbent government (which is hell-bent on producing them, somehow - never minding those Anna fasts demanding anti-corruption measures). They are really anxious to cover other interesting stuff happening around.

After all, what fun would gatecrashing be if the world can't get to see you in your favorite red top marching happily alongside a (mostly) incompetent contingent of athletes!

What's more, the media that goes along with your plans might even help you a bit (isn't their motto "Anything for a story" these days?)

Tip #5: Actually, there's no fifth tip. But I hated to begin the article with anything less than a list of five, which kind of seemed rounded. But hey, why don't I offer you a deal, like they do at Nirula's or Baskin-Robbins? Taking a cue from their creative sundaes, why don't you make your own tip!? Remember, you'll require a lot of imagination and ingenuity to break into the coveted rings.

Best of luck. And don't blame me if you still can't gatecrash!

India and the Morality of Corruption

A scathing look at the state of corruption and its root causes in the world's largest de-Mock-racy

For the past few weeks, corruption has become a fashionable topic in India. Starting from Anna Hazare's fast over Lokpal Bill to Baba Ramdev's anti-black money drama, anyone who's got an opinion is voicing it stridently. There's a flood of opinions in electronic media, in the papers and on the chatter of Facebook and Twitter.

But all this brouhaha is the product of an increasingly and shamelessly corrupt nation. And it would hardly result in a major change in the way politicians and bureaucrats have been looting the country.

Before giving my reasons for saying so or suggesting any semi-cooked corruption-curing recipes of my own, let me state where my loyalties lie.

I'm neither with BJP-RSS-Sangh types nor with the Congress or its multiple splinter groups, nor with any just-for-name's-sake-group on any social networking site. I am with the proverbial and much-abused common man who, while all this media circus is going on, is busy carting a back-breaking load of supplies through our ramshackle markets.

I'm with the man who is trying to survive with meager earnings from his nondescript kiosk-shop. I'm with the girl who must hurry home if she doesn't want to be raped or teased and who hasn't got a chauffeur-driven car to take her home. I'm with the homeless beggar who is being harassed by the policeman and the gangster alike. I'm with the farmer whose irrigation water is diverted to serve five-star hotels and resorts...

In fact, I'm with about 700 million poor people of India who never understood the meaning of Shining India and probably never will.

Let me take you a little back in time. I'm not sure how many of you would appreciate it, but I grew up on an ample dose of all-round prosperity shown on Krishi Darshan (a government TV program). It was also taught in school books and preached through a state-controlled media.

I was under the impression that the founding fathers of this nation had done a great job by putting together a wonderful Constitution. And by following in the footsteps of our erstwhile rulers (the British), they kept a gargantuan bureaucracy as well-oiled as you would find in a spanking factory.

How was I to know that all that oil was actually grease, exchanging millions of palms for the enrichment of their owners alone? How was I to know that while our leaders threw out the tyrant rule of the British, they wittingly or unwittingly installed a draconian regime that thrived on abusing power?

I wouldn't bore you with all the details of a newly Independent, proud India with great leaders having a great vision for our great nation. But the bottomline is this: our population control measures have failed. Our aging infrastructure (much of it bequeathed to us by the British) is deteriorating. The sub-standard products made by our 'license raj' industrialists have mostly failed to stand against global competition (do a count of how many products we buy come from China and elsewhere). Our socialistic mutlipoint programs and hare-brained schemes have failed to give social security to the poor...

The list of failures just goes on and on.

But yes, we have succeeded in creating a vicious, greedy, bloated and extremely corrupt 'governance' system. And at the tentacled head of this system sits that obsequiously dynastic, shamelessly appeasing and pathetically spineless 'grand old party' – with a foreigner madame and a stooge of a man currently at the helm.

This otherwise useless party seemed to have done a good thing when it opened up the Indian economy in the early nineties. But, alas, it all came a cropper!

While the license raj was being disbanded, a new band of robbers and looters emerged – and they were of all forms and persuasions, comprising politicians, bureaucrats, land grabbers, deal brokers, thugs and curmudgeons.

This band set out in earnest to divvy up the natural and other resources of the country. They did it largely among themselves, but threw away some bits and pieces off and on for the rising middle, lower middle, lowest middle and god-knows-how-even-lower middle classes.

Some crazy statistics were rustled up about the benefits of all this 'wealth creation' trickling down to the lowest rungs of society. Never mind that the trickle has been nothing but a stinky obnoxious drain.

If you are stats oriented, chew these: more than 75% of Indian population has a purchasing power of less than Rs20 a day. Nearly half of Indian children are malnourished. About 110 million agricultural workers found employment for only 209 days in 2004-05 compared to 220 days in 1999-2000. Around 150 of India's 607 districts are engulfed in Naxalite movement. And while the much-touted GDP growth races ahead in the 7-9% range, employment growth has been a meager 1%...

In these twenty or so years of liberalization, one of the most 'liberalized' things in India has become honesty and integrity. While the slogan of India's freedom fighter Subhash Chandra Bose was “Tum mujhe khoon do, main tumhein azadi doonga” (You give me blood, and I'll give you freedom), the prevalent leitmotif in an increasingly corrupt India has become “Tum mujhe ghoos do, kyonki main kisi aur ko doonga!” (You better give me bribe, coz I gotta give it to somebody else.)

Mera Bharat mahaan, indeed! (My India is great.)

It is this ghooskhor or bribe-infested culture that seems to have captured the absconding imagination of a few lakh people (a handful in the colossus of India) all of a sudden.

Ask any businessman – from the local chaiwalla to the global Ambani – about the number of times they have to bribe the multiple power brokers in order to survive (in Ambani's case, thrive).

Ask the owners of the buildings in any Indian city (most of which are truly ugly and urgently in need of fresh air) whether they could have erected those eyesores without making “the authorities” turn a blind eye to their multi-storied plans?

Hell, ask yourself, would you be able to survive the daily horrors of getting a gas connection, registering a property, obtaining a government stamp of approval, securing school admission for your child and innumerable such “tasks” without paying any bribes to someone?

So, in a broader view of things, almost all of us are corrupt.

But the way in which the high and mighty are corrupt – and the way they engender this culture of corruption all around them – calls for special discussion.

Imagine a unit of society in which the head of that unit is corrupt. The unit could be a family, a resident welfare association, a local governing body, a state government or the central ruling formation. This head goes about lining their pockets at the expense of others, asks and permits others to do as they please so long as all those “involved” get their “cuts”, and generally remains unaffected by the misery of those way down below in the hierarchy. How do you think one can cure this unit of the curse of corruption?

By asking those at the bottom of the ladder to not pay bribes? By just complaining about the situation and the whole machinery? By pressing the Like button on someone's anti-corruption page?

No, dear reader, of course, not. And that's precisely what we the people of India seem to be doing. From the above example, I'm sure you would agree that the most effective way of making the unit corruption-free is to remove the head of the unit and replace him or her with an honest, caring one.

And that's where the biggest challenge for India lies. My question is, who do you install in place of the current corruption-laden ruling parties in India? Which national-level party today is without the stains of corruption?

A bigger and related question: Do we have any leader of the stature who can clear up the mess in our heritage-rich but idea-poor country? Can anyone take India to the social, economic and scientific heights achieved by the likes of US and Japan (or by its own people centuries ago)?

Is there anyone who can ensure that calling India a superpower in the making is not a laughing matter but a matter of progressive achievement? (For one, I laugh out loud at such peasant-like thinking, given the way things are going.)

Who is going to be that person? That leader?

Anna Hazare? Hmmm, perhaps, but let me think...

Sonia Gandhi? I was so happy that she refused to be Prime Minister (PM) – only to be much angry later when she installed that puppet-puppy PM...and we all know how many corruption scandals have erupted. Why, you are reading this article because of that!

LK Advani? Gadkari? Narendra Modi? No way!

Baba Ramdev? He doesn't see himself in politics – and neither do I!

Rahul Baba? He has neither the credentials nor the credibility (what he has is the Gandhi dynasty and a boatload of sycophants)...

You? Me? What are we talking about!

Alas, my dear reader, no one. To my eyes, there is NOT A SINGLE human being (as far as that weary eye can see) with the moral courage, impeccable integrity, caring humanity and a wide support base who can lift India out of the abyss of corruption and then take it to the greatness we are so fond of remembering.

And so? So we keep on trying (or pretend to), while the millions keep on dying. Sorry, CK Prahalad, despite your philanthropic economic advice, when it comes to India, there's only misfortune at the bottom of the pyramid.